🌟Weekly Inspiration🌟

I just listened to the new book by Dr. Lisa Damour, The Emotional Lives of Teenagers. I hang on to every word, anytime I read her books or hear her interviewed—listening as a parent and as a fellow clinician working with adolescents. She has a great way of making research and strategies palatable for parents. One takeaway for me centered around how to actively listen to our children, without interrupting to solve or give advice…instead thinking of ourselves as newspaper reporters as they speak. Listening, being curious, asking questions to elicit more understanding and information—all with the knowledge that we will be synthesizing the information and “writing an article,” wanting to capture the gist with a “headline.”

This is so challenging for parents, myself included . We often can’t help ourselves—interrupting, solving, dismissing, or overemphasizing the wrong details, personalizing, or becoming too involved in their story. Hard to listen and keep our mouths shut. Challenging to listen without judgment or comfort or panic at times. Difficult not to share our wisdom or a story of our own that relates. What might it be like to say…

It sounds like it was hard to talk to your teacher about that assignment (full stop).
Wow—it sounds so lonely to be left out and sit by yourself at lunchtime (full stop).
I can hear that you were so disappointed in yourself when you failed that test (full stop).

Full stop = no more talking! You shared the headline back to them…sometimes they might just agree with the headline or sigh and walk out of the room. They will probably be shocked to miss the lecture, excessive comforting, or problem-solving that generally accompanies them downloading an experience to you. If they ask for feedback, by all means—share your thoughts. If they don’t, they likely got what they needed by venting…and left the conversation believing that you think they can handle whatever the particular dilemma was.

Ask Yourself:

Ask Yourself:
When I vent to someone, what am I hoping for?
Do I model asking for feedback, when I actually want it? Do I say, “can you just listen to me” when that is all that you are looking for?
How did I feel as a child/teen when my parents did too much problem-solving, comforting, or processing with me?
What are my tendencies with my own children?
What would it be like to ask them how they feel my listening skills are? Whether they like it when I quietly listen or jump in more actively?
How might it feel to my child if I got the headline correct?
Any small shifts that I could experiment with?

Remember you are slowly working yourselves out of a job 😢.  
Be well!