🌟Weekly Inspiration🌟

Many times parents call me and express how sorry they feel for their child—maybe the child struggles in school, has social skills difficulties, is being bullied, is gay or questioning, is going through a divorce, or has had a trauma of some sort. While understandable that parents don’t want to watch their child struggle and feel pity for them, it’s actually not that helpful for the child. It is different to be concerned for one’s child or to empathize with the predicament that they are in.

Empathy = the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. 

It is helpful when parents are able to be empathic with their kids—they can imagine stepping into their shoes and how challenging periods can be. From an empathic stance, we are good listeners, problem solvers, and comforters. There is an understanding that problems can be tolerated and worked through—that this is part of life’s natural rhythm. Challenges are framed as opportunities to develop grit, resilience, character, and personal growth.

From a stance of pity, we actually send different messages to our children:
…sometimes we make them feel like victims (and sometimes they are the victim of something, but we can still help them to view themselves as a survivor over a victim)
…sometimes we coddle and try to make things much easier for them
…sometimes we give in when we otherwise wouldn’t except we feel so sorry for them
…sometimes we send a message that life is so unfair and that they shouldn’t expect challenges in their life

Sometimes pity sends the message to the child that you don’t actually believe that they are strong enough to endure the challenge—you don’t have faith in them or the situation at hand. I see this come up a lot in my office—and many supportive and loving parents send that vibe unconsciously to their children. It is SO hard to see our children struggle and yet we also know how powerful it is to see them work through hard things and come out the other side of it.
 

Ask yourself:
 

Do I often feel sorry for my child?  
Can I shift towards an empathic stance and verbalize my belief in them being able to do hard things?
Did my parent feel pity for me growing up? What was that like for me emotionally?  
Is life unfair? Are you a victim or a survivor? Is your child a victim or a survivor?
Would it help to reframe our expectations of life’s rhythms to incorporate challenges as opportunities for growth?
How can I empower my child in hard moments?

Good Luck! ⭐