The Contrarians Among Us
🌟Weekly Inspiration🌟
Someone who is contrary typically is inclined to disagree or do the opposite of what is expected or desired. A Contrarian is NOT a People Pleaser; they tend to have their own strong opinion, value cooperation less than sticking to their values/ideas and aren’t deterred if their stance doesn’t work well for others. Many teenagers are naturally contrarian—they have a strong need to assert their identity, maintain control by deciding things for themselves, often view any attempt at persuasion as a form of coercion, and have hormones telling them to grow up and leave home! It’s clear why there is often conflict between parents and adolescents ❤️. In contrast, Conformists follow rules and social norms, are more likely to be people-pleasers, and have a strong need for belonging and approval.
In my opinion, contrarians get a bad rep. They are prickly and often have challenging temperaments so it’s understandable why people-pleasers are easier to parent and deal with. Contrarians often need some fine-tuning on how to be respectful, empathic, and communicate in a way in which they can be heard (how can I be assertive and not aggressive?). My office is filled with Contrarians—kids with tremendous conflict with parents, teachers, coaches, and classmates. But, Contrarians can hear their own voices and formulate their own opinions—and this is amazing in the context of the rest of their life! If you can bear with them through adolescence and help them learn to find a middle path through their contrariness, it can be a great asset for adulthood. My office is also filled with People Pleasers—who tend to be sensitive, reactive to the people around them, and desire harmony and approval over asserting themselves. They have more trouble hearing their own voice because it is clouded with what others want or need from them…so we help these kids to tune into themselves, figure out what they want, learn how to be cooperative, and get their own needs met. Often the work involves looping in family members so they can be more aware of their child’s style and develop a tolerance for letting their kid have their own opinion and way of walking through the world.
Ask yourself:
Am I more contrary or a people pleaser? How has this affected my life and relationships?
Are my children and spouse contrary or conformists?
What type of child is easier for me to parent?
How can I assist my pleasers to find their own voice (even if it means more conflict at times)?
How can I tolerate my contrary child and help them fine-tune their stance so that it can be more palatable?
What does unconditional love look like when parenting through this lens? Is this a challenge for me?