Emotional Regulation
🌟Weekly Inspiration🌟
I was troubled by the Oscars last weekend. I struggled to shake what happened between Chris Rock and Will Smith—it saddened me and horrified me (just my opinion). I kept thinking about the importance of Emotional Regulation and this great talk that I heard by Lisa Damour (Psychologist/Mother/Writer of UNDER PRESSURE and UNTANGLED). She is an expert in adolescent girls and has raised two—but her outstanding content applies to all of us!
She discussed the two key concepts in emotional regulation—emotional expression and emotional containment. As parents, we are called to help support and model both emotional expression and emotional containment. This is hard—it means that we have to be aware of ourselves, our own emotions, regulate ourselves, and then assist our kids when they are struggling to express or contain themselves. It’s an even bigger ask, when we recognize that we are human and make many mistakes, have our own traumas that may or may not have been processed, and that we are often triggered when parenting our kids, especially toddlers and adolescents (these stages are very similar BTW).
Emotional expression = being aware of one's emotions and being able to communicate that information.
Lisa Damour likened it to a weather system coming in and that we have to recognize the weather system and then communicate about that experience. When the adult is curious and has empathy (“tell me more”), it tends to help promote verbalization in the child and help get distress under control. Sometimes kids complain, almost like dumping out the emotional trash of the day (we can allow and tolerate some complaining as parents and help them let it go). Sometimes we help channel big feelings into productive or harmless aims—sports, creativity, or quiet. Sometimes we express and then sit with uncomfortable feelings and have faith that the weather system will blow through.
Emotional containment = recognizing one’s emotions and reacting at the right scale.
People underestimate the importance of being able to emotionally contain ourselves. It is vital to our relationships and a healthy sense of self that we are able to control ourselves. I cannot underscore enough how powerful it is for children to learn when and how to contain their emotions, by assisting in the moment when they overreact, learning from mistakes of emotional explosion, and letting them suffer the natural consequences when they are unable to contain emotions. Containing emotions does not mean negating or minimizing their experience, it means honoring why they are upset, pausing to think, and figuring out a response at the correct scale.
Ask yourself:
Do I struggle with emotional expression or emotional containment? How did my parents express and contain emotion?
How can I adjust myself to be a better role model for my kids?
Do I have different expectations for my children’s emotional expression based on gender role stereotypes?
What was my reaction to the Oscars or emotional dysregulation in the media? How do I discuss this with my children?