Get Out of Their Way
🌟Weekly Inspiration🌟
I’ve been thinking about how hard it is as a parent to let our children go forth into the direction of their goals and dreams. From the time they are infants, we have been fantasizing about whom they might become and where their talents may lead them. Sometimes these dreams and expectations we have for our children begin with an intuition about them, a spark of their personality, words spoken by them early on, or a recognition of their particular strengths. Sometimes we think we see them clearly and know the best path for them in terms of interests and activities, school choices, college choices, career choices, and dating and friendship choices. We certainly know best, right? We have the wisdom of our years and lived experiences and no one loves them more or wants better for them than we do! Other parents are more overt—it is their way or the highway so the kid better get on track or they will be punished or deprived of love.
Can you feel the weight of that crushing pressure?
So often I sit in a quiet space with terrific young people—who are largely in therapy because they are depressed or anxious because as they figure out who they are...they realize that it is not who their parents want or expect them to be. This is not welcome information to the young person—most kids want to please their parents and often try hard to do so before they end up in therapy.
This dilemma can show up in many ways…a few examples:
Trouble in school—having ADHD or learning differences that make school and getting good grades a challenge
Sexual attraction—realizing that you are LGBTQ in a family that has trouble accepting that
Not wanting to go to college—wanting a trade, something creative, military experience when that is not valued in your home
Not wanting to do the sports/music/art activities that parents want or force
Parents that dislike their peer group and the kids they identify with
It is not easy to make space or give permission to a child to figure out their own course, but you must. It is challenging to relinquish this control as kids get older, as we’ve held the reins for the majority of their childhood. It is scary to think that your child may make some poor choices that lead to hardship down the road. It is hard to be patient as they figure things out for themselves. Some kids who are acting out, at risk, struggling to make good decisions for themselves—likely need more support, structure, and containment—so please pay attention to them. Yet, the majority of kids are actually doing pretty well, make mostly good decisions, and need you to get out of their way so they can figure out their path. Many times, I tell parents: “You have a great kid, with a good head on their shoulders. Trust them…”.
Would I say that to you about your child? If so, start letting go ❤️😢
Ask yourself:
Was I given the freedom to make my own choices and mistakes?
Did I learn from my choices?
Did I survive when I learned the hard way?
How was my relationship with my own parents when I felt controlled?
Am I overparenting? (This can look like checking their grades, making choices about their activities, interfering with teachers and coaches, picking their friends, doing too much for them in every realm, or not allowing them to grow up).