Being Proud of Themselves
🌟Weekly Inspiration🌟
I’ve been thinking about the parenting culture and the common refrain, “I am so proud of you.” While noticing something positive that your child does and acknowledging it, can feel good to you and to them…too much of this message can be confusing for a kid. Well-intentioned parents offer verbal praise, which has repeatedly been shown in the research to decrease a child’s intrinsic motivation to pursue/master something well (doing something well should be reward enough for a child, the more that we as parents praise it, their level of enjoyment and intrinsic motivation to continue the activity actually decreases). Additionally, when we tell them how their behavior makes us proud, it sometimes makes kids do things to please us instead of doing something they actually want to do.
A few examples:
*Praising grades… "I am so proud of you” vs. “Wow, you must feel proud of how your effort paid off.”
“Wow, what do you think helped you get these grades?”
*Scoring a goal…. ”I am so proud of you” vs. “How did it feel to lead your team today?”
“Wow, Ethan’s assist really helped you make that shot. You must feel proud of your teamwork.”
“I am so proud of you” vs. “You must be so proud of yourself.”
(Can you feel the difference?)
Ask Yourself:
Was I praised as a child? How did that feel? Did that motivate me to please?
Did my parents tell me that they were proud of me? If it happened rarely, did it make an impression on me when they did say it?
Did I care about pleasing them or did I have the freedom to pursue my own goals?
Would I prefer that my child do things to please me? Be honest . Can I see how them actually pleasing me might be nice in the short term but not beneficial in the long run?
Do I want my children to get good grades/make a basket for me or for themselves? Do I want them to live for me or for themselves?
Are there any small shifts I can make?
Love this graphic by Mari Andrew ❤️