Welcome Mild Misbehavior
🌟Weekly Inspiration🌟
I’ve been thinking a lot about perfectionists lately. In our practice, we see lots of these sensitive, hard-working, conscientious teenagers and young adults. They want to do well, they please teachers and parents, they worry (a lot), they develop psychosomatic issues, and often life feels like a grind at a young age. I think the collective anxiety is worse for youth coming out of the pandemic, as the stress around college admissions has increased in recent years, and with the awareness of school shootings...police violence...toxic political and media coverage…and global concerns over the environment have ramped up. There is a lot to think about no doubt .
When therapists are greeted with a kid and family that is distressed due to mild misbehavior—guess what we think? Wow, that is refreshing. By mild misbehavior, I mean: kids who fail permit/driving tests, kids who fail tests or don’t have perfect grades, kids who are making out and miss curfew, kids who sneak a beer or a joint on the beach, kids who get a speeding ticket, kids who get detention, kids who skip a class on occasion, kids who make a mistake on tech and learn from it, kids who cheat and learn from it, kids who chat too much in class, kids that fall asleep in class on occasion, kids that think for themselves and are contrary at times, and kids who sometimes break the rules in some fashion in a mild way. Do not misunderstand me—I’m not condoning bad behavior or underage partying, yet I do think that part of adolescence is inherently about taking risks, experimenting in different ways, and NOT behaving like mini-adults all the time. Life shouldn’t feel like a grind to them, they shouldn’t have the weight of the world on their shoulders, and there should be room for fun. These kids are living, whereas sometimes the perfectionists don’t feel that they are.
There are outlier kids that have major misbehavior, and addictive tendencies or are failing school in some big way. These kids need extra support and their families need to love them and wrap structure around them. But, the vast majority of kids would be ok with a bit of mild misbehavior—and you, as their parents, can tolerate it. My own children have done many of the above mild misbehaviors—each time, it is stressful for my husband and I to navigate, but we do. They learn. We learn. We discuss. We expect some mistakes.
Ask Yourself:
When I reflect on my adolescence and young adulthood, are some of my greatest memories, ones where I took a risk or mildly misbehaved? Did things generally turn out ok?
Was life lighter for me during my growing up? Was I as concerned about all the pressures I see my kids contemplating?
What mild misbehavior did I partake in? Did I learn from natural consequences?
Did I enjoy my life then or did life feel like a grind? What about today—am I enjoying my life or does it feel like a grind?
How can I learn to tolerate or even encourage my perfectionist to test the boundaries a bit?
Any small shifts that I could make?
Be well ⭐.